Always

I will always like you.

I will forever remember your name, your face, your touch. I will forever miss your stare, your smile, your eyes, your hand, your hugs – everything about you. I will miss you. I want to hold your hand tighter. I want to keep on liking you. I want to fall in love with you. I want you to fall in love with me. I want to hear you breathe, I want to hear you laugh. I want you to kiss me passionately – the one that would melt me down; the one that can change my world. I want you to let me love you. I want you to let me in. I want you to stay. I don’t want you to run away. I don’t want you to let me go. I don’t want you to push me away so let me stay. Let me hold your hand tighter. Let me kiss you on your lips. Let me remind you how beautiful you are. Let me remind you how much you make me scared, but also how much you make me want to run away with you. Let me remind you how much I want to try and never let go. Let me do what I want. Let me know how much I want you. Let me scream to the world that we’re together. Let me tell them that you’re mine. Let me fall in love with you. Let me get hurt. Let me cry. Make me cry. Make me feel weak. Let me question my decisions. Let me be with you. Let me cry to sleep. Let me go on another car ride with you. Let me hear you sing once more. Make me laugh. Make me want you more. Make me sad but most of all make me happy. Because I’m happier with you even though you’ll make tears fall down. Because I’m happier with you even though you’ll just run away. Because I’m happier with you because I’m with you.

I don’t know, do I love you? do I deserve you? do I want you? do you want me back? do you like me? Because I will always like you. I will always say I do. I will always be here for you. I just want you to stay with me. I just want you to not push me away. Please.

I should have kissed you. You would have been my first kiss and it would have been painful but it would have been okay because at least it was with you. I wouldn’t have liked how it happened, but I would have been glad it was you.

I will always like you, and I’m sure I won’t ever regret that because I don’t want to let you go. I will never want to. Since loving someone is as hard as letting go, I would choose to stay. I would choose to take risks. I would choose you over and over and over again.


03/15/17 12:41AM

Sana

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Sabi ko ayoko na.

Sabi ko wala na.

Pero sa bawat oras

na aking nakikita

ang iyong pangalan,

heto ako…

iniisip ang mga “what ifs”

na sana’y ating ginawa

na sana’y hindi tayo sumuko.

 

Gusto parin kita,

pero ayaw mo na.

 

Sa bawat oras ba

na ako’y nakikita mo

ganito rin ang nangyayari sa’yo?


(nov. 13, 2016) photo from tumblr

2:50AM

I just want someone to love me for who i am, but it’s a shitty world and no one gives a fuck.

I didn’t expect you to come. Like a knight in shining armour, you saved me from drowning in a previous painful heartbreak. You came and let me discover new things. You let me fly once more.

But now I’m drowning again because you decided to leave and let me fly alone – and I couldn’t do it for you held my wings and I couldn’t make it. I just broke.

You were too good to be true but at the same time, painful to have.

Thank you for making me feel wonderful things that kept my mind and heart going. In the span of 3 weeks, you opened my eyes into possibilities that only you and I can accomplish – but it’s too late. You’re gone. We’re gone.

And I thought you’ll love me in some way, somehow. But I guess I was not enough for you couldn’t wait and let me grow with you.

It’s a shitty world and I thought you gave a fuck.

You wanted my kiss, I subtly wanted yours too. You wanted new beginnings, I wanted them to happen with me – and I know it’s too late; I know that these new beginnings are beginnings that don’t include me in the picture anymore.

You said we can remain friends. Friends? I don’t give a fuck.

But I’ll continue to miss you because you let me realize that love means having to sacrifice and act stupid. I’ll miss our music and our first date – how you looked at me while I sing and stare at the night sky. I’ll miss how you held my hand in those few minutes, hoping I didn’t let go – hoping YOU didn’t let me go. I’ll miss you.

Thank you for trying, thank you for breaking my heart…

At least we tried in this world that’s shitty where no one gives a fuck.

Maybe someday someone will love me for who I am where I don’t need to expect and try to fit in. Maybe. Just maybe.


(nov. 3, 2016 2:50AM)

For The Guy I Almost Loved

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Dear You,

I still remember the first second my eyes saw you. You were standing on a corner, laughing with your friends and I watched you closely while you fixed the sides of your hoodie. I still remember how you first said hello with the deep tone of your voice. I was mesmerized because you noticed me and I thought for that moment, you were the one and I had to have you.

You never forgot how much I liked the smell of your perfume so you made sure you put some before we went out. My heart always raised whenever you pulled the chair for me and it still never stopped when you held my hand even for the nth moment. I liked how you remembered every detail of my stories. I liked how you made sure I was not bored during your nights with your boys. I liked how much you saved my pictures no matter how ugly I looked. I liked all of those.

And that was the problem.

I kept on waiting for you. I was already too tired of the same routines because you never changed. You were still the same guy from day one and I honestly admit that it was not so bad but I got tired in the end. You only did things for me. You only showed everything through actions. Our kisses were passionate, your touches brought me to another world but there was something missing. It was something so important that it took me to questioning myself if we were actually real. You only let me like those things you did for me that you never at all tried to make me love them. I guess showing love through gestures were not really enough.

I need words. I needed to hear those three words and eight letters. I needed to know for sure how much I mean to you. But you kept silent. I was dead and so did my heart. In the end, my wings grew back and made me stop from falling. You were not able to catch me at all but I wanted you to. I just wanted you to be mine. But I guess you never really wanted me in return.

Why? Why was it so hard to tell me you love me? Why did you let me go away? Why didn’t you stop me? I thought we were supposed to hold on together so what happened with you and me?

Sometimes I wonder if I was just one of your girls… and it was too painful to even imagine the thought. I just needed you to pull me back and everything would have been beautiful.

We almost had what everyone was envious of. I’m sorry but this is for the best. I just hope that one day, you’ll realize how much I cared and in the end be able to find someone else you’ll probably say those magic words to.

Goodbye. I almost loved you.

Yours truly,

Me


Disclaimer: Some of my letters aren’t really addressed for someone. If by chance it is a true story, I apologize | Photo from tumblr

A Letter For Your Unbroken Heart

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Dear You,

Every time I look at you, pain cripples my heart. You are like poison that never fail to kill me. I hate loving someone when all it has given me were tears and sleepless nights.

I broke it off. I know that.

But leaving you never stopped me from loving you. And seeing you with her made things worse. How can you move on so easily?

Our love story was not epic nor a relationship every one calls their goal but it was a moment full of memories only us can understand. We had our ups and downs and the latter buried deep yet the flight above still make me smile. How come you forgot all of those?

While I was thinking of you – you were thinking of her; while I was missing you – you were running away; while I was loving you – I was clueless, too. I thought you just needed time to think. I never imagined nor hoped for you to take that as a chance to run away from me and run towards her.  How were you able to leave me?

I broke it off because you were unhappy. I saw the faded emotions in your eyes. You never saw mine and I was okay with that… because I thought letting you go will make you realize that maybe you need me back as much as I need you. Obviously, I was wrong. It only led you to realizing how much you love her and not me.

Why?

What did she do for you to stay with her? What does she have that I don’t? I made you smile in so many ways. I gave you my time just to hear your laugh. I wanted your kiss while I can feel your touch. What did I do wrong for you to feel different?

I do not regret the times I spent with you. My feelings were real and I indeed did love you. Possibly, I still do. But that’s not important now isn’t it? I just want  you to feel happy now… even though it will still give me tears and sleepless nights. At least this time, one of us gets what he wants.

Yours truly,
Me


Disclaimer: Some of my letters aren’t really addressed for someone. If by chance it is a true story, I apologize | Photo from tumblr

To That Guy I Call My Real First Love

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Dear You,

It’s funny that I had my first boyfriend before I met you. And it’s funnier that I saw you a month after we broke up. I still remember that time you walked passed by me – how the hot air turned into cold breeze; how the smell of dust suddenly didn’t matter since in those few seconds of that moment, you were all that mattered. I still have that look on your face in my mind. You were dull and lonely. You wanted to escape the reality around you.

And I just crashed without knowing because then soon I realized I fell in love – for the first time.

I tried to ignore how my heart was reacting. It was not right. How come I felt that way for u when I didn’t at all feel that way for my ex-boyfriend? I panicked. I hated myself for blinding my heart for what true love really meant. I laughed since what I thought about love was fake – a facade that was only in love by the thought of it.

You, dear first love, taught me that what we thought as our first love wasn’t real until you actually met them. And I met you.

What was sad in the whole story was that you didn’t feel the same. That moment of tears trapped me in a different world. I was scared again because just then I learned how painful real love is. How much it can break you into pieces and can only mend almost all of it. But almost was never at all enough. The bandage wasn’t that strong to protect the bruises and I felt it for years.

You opened my eyes to a night full of stars and every shooting star represented how I felt for you – burning, crashing and dying. All the bright and twinkling wonders were your eyes and my feelings combined too far away from each other and that’s why you never noticed me. All that I can do was to wish.

I won’t forget how you walk in the hallways; how much you love your grey hoodie; how much you wanted me to fall for another guy… because we both knew I was just a friend and it sucked a lot for me to experience all this from you.

Now I am looking at the stars again and I remember your eyes but this time, all that I can wish was not anymore for you to feel the same… but for me to forget what a real first love is. I wish you weren’t mine. If only I knew from the beginning that it would hurt this much – I wish I never knew how to love.

But I thank you for everything. I thank you for the midnight thoughts that made me burst into tears. They taught me how it felt to be broken but at least I learned – so that next time I experience another true love, I can cry again but feel less pain. You gave me a memory that hurt and was too unforgettable. Yet it’s okay. You taught me how to love and to be broken at the same time. You showed me the real world when no one else can. You made me stronger and wiser. So thank you.

Next time we see each other again, let’s talk. Let’s laugh over ruined fantasies and be glad for reality. Let us also smile for the partner we might hopefully soon have.

I’m happy I met you. I’m happy I saw you on the morning of February 24 and let me realize that love at first sight does exist and that anyone can move on from their first love and most painful heartbreak.

I will forever love you but that doesn’t mean I won’t let go. It’s just that I will always love you and be glad that I met you.

Love, Me

For The Guy Who Left Me Hanging

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Dear You,

I woke up today with the thought of you again. I saw the scar on your left shoulder, the dimples while you smile and the great blue eyes that never fail to fascinate me. What ever happened between us? I always had this fairy tale in my mind of you and me growing stronger together; loving each other forever. But one day we broke up and the fairy tale that lingers through me hurt and all it felt like a facade. I cried my heart out and saw my own eyes frozen by the deep pain.

Why did you leave me? Is it because what I have was not enough or maybe because I gave too much? I thought that I was your princess – a queen of yours someday, you said; I thought that we will have a castle and have a family with three kids and a dog; I thought that you just needed space and time but why did you go and take both with you and I was left behind?

I was suffering and I still am. I need to see you once more. I need to kiss the scar on your left shoulder, see your dimples flash in front of me and make love while I stare at your great blue eyes. I need to be with you again. I might be a disaster now but you can change that if you come back. Please don’t leave me clueless because I woke up today with the thought of you again and asked myself, “why did I love you so much?”.

Love, Me